Return from the Abyss

I haven’t posted in so long (because of no good reason) but I’m going to take a break from the kind of writing I usually post and just kind of talk because that’s what I originally meant for this blog to be for but somehow forgot along the way.

I’ve been going through these phases of self-doubt and stress for a while (and a whole lot of unhappiness – crying in the shower, anyone?) so I always get these times when focusing is just really hard and school/extracurriculars get really difficult. For some particular reason, though, this past school year has been tougher than normal for me, especially in math and science. To be honest, the peak of my math career was probably in the fifth grade, but I expected to do well last year because the class was supposed to be a similar level to one I had taken before and I had done well in. You can probably guess how that turned out.

Not to play the blame game, but my teacher hadn’t exactly been the best, and I tend to struggle in classes where the teachers aren’t always attentive. So I struggled the entire year, and I got the feeling my teacher thought I was just a slacker by the way he talked to me about my performance in the class, but I was honestly trying my best and his attitude towards me just made me want to avoid him and his help. I truly dislike when I make a huge effort in something I’m not good at and someone else just brushes it off as a pathetic attempt. A lot of my anxiety during the school year comes from lack of sleep, trying to figure out lessons on my own, and keeping up with the amount of work I’m assigned every night, so the idea that I could “probably be trying harder because I seem like a smart girl” just drives my self-esteem down into the ground.

In an effort to do better in school, I did start a Studygram/Bujo account on Instagram (@tchaicoffee.studies if anyone wants to take a look). Maybe the long term effects will be different, but right now it makes me more determined to take better notes and be more efficient, so that’s good!

On a more positive note, I’ve been in Hong Kong for the past two months (!!) and I love it so much!! It’s so beautiful and (best of all) cheap! Everything is so much cheaper than in the US and the way people do things are really different too. I’m staying with my aunt’s family right now and she has two sons. One’s out of college but the other’s about my age, and they both stay out all day with their friends and their mom’s totally fine with it. I’ve always wanted that kind of independence but I guess it was not meant to be 😂. I went to meet a friend for lunch and we spent about four hours together and when I came home, my aunt said, “Back so soon?” My mom would have probably killed me for being out for so long. Anyway, the point is that I thoroughly enjoy this lovely place.

(Isn’t Hong Kong stunning??)

I started an job this summer and it’s been so amazing so far. The company is kind of small but the people there have such good work ethics and really welcomed me, which I was definitely happy for. I’m not great at making friends – I was at a music camp earlier in the summer and it took me a while to get friends because I don’t speak Cantonese very well and a lot of people didn’t speak a lot English (although their English was much better than my Cantonese) – so I usually rely on other people to approach me. It’s a sucky thing to do, I know, but I have such crippling anxiety, it takes me fifteen minutes to work up the courage walk out of the apartment if my cousins are sitting on the couch.

One of the guys I work with told me today that a lot of people in HK usually go out to eat because it’s usually cheaper or the same as buying groceries to cook at home. Given the prices that I’ve had meals for (~ USD 3 for a full breakfast, ~ USD 10 for lunch being “still pretty expensive” according to my aunt) I understand that perfectly fine, but he was so genuinely shocked when I told him the lunch we had just had for ~ USD 9 would have probably been ~ USD 24 in the states.

(I’m just happy food is so cheap yet delicious because I eat my feelings)

So that’s it, guys! Hope you enjoyed this roller coaster of a post & I’ll be back soon!


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