untitled [poem 1937]

there were the boys who talked
to me and really, i preferred their
conversation above all else because
i didn’t have to worry
about what i was going to say
but there were the girls who primped and
preened with(out) meaning to and i
was supposed to talk to them so i did
and i said all the wrong things at all the
wrong times and they looked at me funny
while i buried myself into the ground and wished- not
for the first time- that i was invisible.

those were the girls
who curled up next to everyone
and said they were friends and
they were so fake i could see
plastic and dye in their hair
but i pretended i couldn’t and
went off with them to fairyland and i
was sucked way way below
and the elves with tiny fingers and big eyes
held me down so
i couldn’t escape.

there were a hundred queens
and i knew all of them by name but one by one
they all began to drift away except
one girl who said we were best friends and even when i knew
the truth i said yeah ok and
we walked arm in arm to the bookstore
because even though
i had a thousand books, they
were just pieces of paper that pretended
to be binded together and
fell apart at the first chance they got.

i think we all floated away with the storm
that came blowing wind and a torrent of rain
and maybe we drifted back to our homes or maybe
we met some people we
never meant to and they told us to stay
so we did, but all i really know is that
the rain
kept coming down and there was nobody beside me
and i drowned in the sadness
and anger that poured out with each drop of water
and the shadows asked why i was crying
and the only reason i knew was because i knew how to be lonely
but not alone.

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